Anxiety

First of all just to make this clear, I have never been to see a doctor about this, nor do I plan to, so when I say 'anxiety' I don't mean that I have a proper diagnosis, I just mean that I generally just have an anxious/neurotic/introvert personality.

Lately I feel as though my anxiety has and still is stopping me from doing a lot of things and it is really getting me down. Since starting university I have met a lot of new people and made friends but I don't feel as though I am enjoying this new chapter of my life as much as I 'should' be. Throughout sixth form I heard a lot from teachers that university is supposed to be the best years of your life and you make life long friends but so far I feel like that's not really happening. I've met some lovely people but I just haven't really clicked unlike everyone else and I think that anxiety is mostly to blame. All the new friends I've made live in halls and often go out at night to clubs, drinking and they always invite me to go with them. However because I commute this is hard and to be perfectly honest, after being at uni all day the thing I look forward to most is coming home and just relaxing in my bedroom. I really don't like going to clubs because I feel really uncomfortable and self conscious. Also I don't really drink so being surrounded by a lot of drunk teenagers is not really my idea of fun. I really get worried though that my friends think I'm boring or that I don't really socialise much when in reality I love spending time with my friends shopping, or going out for a meal. I just wish that I was more confident so that I could go out with them at night so that I could become closer to them.

Driving is something else that has been on my mind lately. Recently my brother has passed his driving test and can now officially drive a car. So many people are asking me when I'm going to start taking lessons and it's something I really wish I could do because it would be so beneficial for me as getting buses to and from uni every day is getting so tiring. But the thought of driving a car absolutely terrifies me and I just can't bring myself to take lessons. I think the thing I'm most scared about is panicking when I'm in the middle of the road and totally forgetting what I'm supposed to do and I won't be able to get out of the situation which means I'll cause danger to not only my life but everyone around me at that time! I just get so upset at the fact that my fear is stopping me from doing something that I really need to do and nobody really seems to understand why it's so hard for me.

Another question I keep asking myself is "what if I never get in a relationship?". I've never really been that bothered by this until starting university and then all of a sudden my new friends are completely boy obsessed and talk about who they've kissed or even slept with in some cases. I'm so embarrassed by the fact that I have never been in a relationship before (and I'm nearly 19!!) and now I can't ever even imagine myself being in one because the thought scares me. Like, I just can't ever imagine why somebody would ever love me. Of course in the future I want to have a husband and children in a lovely home with my perfect job but I just don't ever see that happening because of my damn anxiety! It's like I've missed that crucial stage in development and now it's too late because I'm so in-experienced.

I'm not too sure what I want to do with my life yet career wise but every time I try and look for potential job ideas I always end up saying to myself "no you can't do that, you're too shy" or "no you're not good enough to do that" which is another thing that is stressing me out. What if I never find a career that I'm going to enjoy? Or what if I waste the next three years trying to get a Psychology degree that I won't even use? I can't live at home forever in my nice pretty pink bedroom. I'm going to have to grow up and face reality!

To cut a very long story short, I just feel very lost right now. After leaving my tiny school I've come to the realisation that I am a very small insignificant person and the world is a very big place! I'm not a little girl any more and the harsh reality of life is absolutely terrifying me. Life is hard enough as it is, but my anxiety seems to be making things 10x harder.