This time last year I spent my Christmas holidays revising for my A-level January exams. I felt like I really had tried my hardest, however when I received my results in March, they were not what I was expecting and I was so disappointed with myself. From that point onwards I really felt like something had changed inside of me. I was so harsh on myself and whatever I did, I felt like I was never going to be good enough. I was so unhappy and knowing that what I loved was soon coming to an end made everything worst. Some people hate school but I have always been one that has loved it and I loved sixth form even more! I had a huge group of friends that were like my second family; we spent nearly every day with each other and we knew exactly how to cheer someone in the group up if they felt down. I was also extremely close with my psychology teacher, and I felt like she was the only person that I felt comfortable talking to when I was upset. The amount of support she has given me is incredible and I am so thankful for that. Because of this, I always knew that leaving sixth form to go to university would be hard but I don't think I ever realised how much it would affect me! I think I started to rely too much on the emotional support from my teacher and I became terrified of the thought of leaving and having to cope on my own because I didn't think that I would be able to do it.
Towards the end of the academic year, my mental well-being was rapidly going downhill. I spent a lot of time just lying in bed and crying. I had no energy to do anything and all I wanted to do was sleep. My mum kept trying to cheer me up but I just wasn't interested in anything. I don't think I have ever been so unhappy in my entire life and all I can remember is not wanting to be alive any more. I was constantly breaking down in tears due to stress and worry and I even experienced a few panic attacks (I never really knew they were panic attacks until recently). I remember the day before my final exam (It was fathers day) and I must have spent the majority of the day crying. My mum even cried because she knew I was so depressed but she didn't know how to help me. It was my most important exam and I couldn't concentrate to save my life. I knew that once I had finished my last exam, the 7 years I had spent at school were going to be over and that everything was going to change and I really didn't want it to.
After my final exam I went to say goodbye to my teacher. I just sat with her for ages and just talked. I will always remember something she told me
"There are going to be times in life that you will find tough but you’ve just got to keep going. Be confident… you are better than you think you are”
From this point onwards I really tried hard to make myself happy. I still wasn't coping but I really tried.
I spent the Summer holidays relaxing, spending time with my friends and sightseeing in Croatia; a well deserved break. I also received my A-level results and found that I had been accepted into my first choice uni and I started in September. I am still in shock that I managed to do such a life changing experience all by myself. I am still living at home because I think that is best for me but I have made completely new friends on my course. I miss my sixth form friends like crazy but we all keep in touch. However sometimes I just wish they could be with me at uni. My friends at uni are great but I don't feel like we have that much in common and I often feel a bit isolated.
It is now the 30th of December and we only have 1 more day of 2013. Although I still experience more downs than ups in terms of my emotions, I can safely say I am much much happier than I was a few months back and I seriously hope I never have to return to that ever again. I have learnt a lot about who I am and what triggers certain emotions. I have also learnt a lot about certain friends and who I can really count on when I need them. 2014 has the potential to be so much better than this year I just really hope that things work out.
Thankyou for reading and I apologise for this being a bit depressing. I have never really spoke about some of this before and It just feels better for me to write it all out so I can reflect on it all. Lots of love
♥
