Looking back on 2013

2013 has been a year full of changes! Looking back, it's not been a great year for me, my life has definitely changed. However, I have learnt a lot about myself in the process.

This time last year I spent my Christmas holidays revising for my A-level January exams. I felt like I really had tried my hardest, however when I received my results in March, they were not what I was expecting and I was so disappointed with myself. From that point onwards I really felt like something had changed inside of me. I was so harsh on myself and whatever I did, I felt like I was never going to be good enough. I was so unhappy and knowing that what I loved was soon coming to an end made everything worst. Some people hate school but I have always been one that has loved it and I loved sixth form even more! I had a huge group of friends that were like my second family; we spent nearly every day with each other and we knew exactly how to cheer someone in the group up if they felt down. I was also extremely close with my psychology teacher, and I felt like she was the only person that I felt comfortable talking to when I was upset. The amount of support she has given me is incredible and I am so thankful for that. Because of this, I always knew that leaving sixth form to go to university would be hard but I don't think I ever realised how much it would affect me! I think I started to rely too much on the emotional support from my teacher and I became terrified of the thought of leaving and having to cope on my own because I didn't think that I would be able to do it.

Towards the end of the academic year, my mental well-being was rapidly going downhill. I spent a lot of time just lying in bed and crying. I had no energy to do anything and all I wanted to do was sleep. My mum kept trying to cheer me up but I just wasn't interested in anything. I don't think I have ever been so unhappy in my entire life and all I can remember is not wanting to be alive any more. I was constantly breaking down in tears due to stress and worry and I even experienced a few panic attacks (I never really knew they were panic attacks until recently). I remember the day before my final exam (It was fathers day) and I must have spent the majority of the day crying. My mum even cried because she knew I was so depressed but she didn't know how to help me. It was my most important exam and I couldn't concentrate to save my life. I knew that once I had finished my last exam, the 7 years I had spent at school were going to be over and that everything was going to change and I really didn't want it to.

After my final exam I went to say goodbye to my teacher. I just sat with her for ages and just talked. I will always remember something she told me

"There are going to be times in life that you will find tough but you’ve just got to keep going. Be confident… you are better than you think you are”

From this point onwards I really tried hard to make myself happy. I still wasn't coping but I really tried.

I spent the Summer holidays relaxing, spending time with my friends and sightseeing in Croatia; a well deserved break. I also received my A-level results and found that I had been accepted into my first choice uni and I started in September. I am still in shock that I managed to do such a life changing experience all by myself. I am still living at home because I think that is best for me but I have made completely new friends on my course. I miss my sixth form friends like crazy but we all keep in touch. However sometimes I just wish they could be with me at uni. My friends at uni are great but I don't feel like we have that much in common and I often feel a bit isolated.

It is now the 30th of December and we only have 1 more day of 2013. Although I still experience more downs than ups in terms of my emotions, I can safely say I am much much happier than I was a few months back and I seriously hope I never have to return to that ever again. I have learnt a lot about who I am and what triggers certain emotions. I have also learnt a lot about certain friends and who I can really count on when I need them. 2014 has the potential to be so much better than this year I just really hope that things work out.

Thankyou for reading and I apologise for this being a bit depressing. I have never really spoke about some of this before and It just feels better for me to write it all out so I can reflect on it all. Lots of love

♥

November Favourites

Hello lovelies!
So sorry that this is a bit late. I did write it towards the end of November but my cable for my phone stopped working so I haven't been able to upload the pictures until now.
Here are just a few things that I have discovered or re-discovered throughout November that I love:

Sainsbury's own 'Buttersoft caramel' flavoured milk:

This stuff is the bee's knees! Honestly I just love it so much and I may have become a little addicted. It is really creamy and basically its just a milkshake but oh my goodness it is heaven in a bottle. I honestly suggest you all try it!! Treat yourself :) (as you can see by the photo, the bottle is half empty. I was hoping to take a better photo with a full bottle but Sainsbury's seemed to have stopped selling this flavour now *le cries*)

Fast & Fruity nail varnish remover:

This stuff is really handy (and very cheap). Its basically a little tub with sponge inside that is soaked in nail varnish remover and you just twist your finger in the sponge until your nail varnish has come off. It's so quick and I just really prefer it to ordinary nail varnish remover. I'm pretty sure you could probably get it from all drug stores but I bought mine from 'Home Bargains' for about 60p (not sure of the exact price). Also it comes in a peachy fragrance.

Fairy-lights:

For my birthday I asked for new things for my bedroom and as well as all new bed lining and a pretty floral patchwork duvet cover, I also got so really petty pink heart fairy-lights that are currently wrapped around the top of my bed. In my room I also have some pink lanterns and pink butterfly fairy-lights which I've had for a while. I just think the really make your bedroom look warm and cosy... perfect for Autumn and Winter!

Rimmel London Silver Nail varnish:

I picked this up from Body Care last minute as I was walking to the till not really thinking but I am very glad I did! I needed a new silver and it was £2.99, Personally I think it's really good because it goes on really well and it doesn't get clumpy. My nail varnish chips ALL the time VERY quickly but this actually stayed on for a few days (too me that's a long time, it's usually a matter of hours before it chips!)

Thankyou for reading and please feel free to leave any comments and be sure to let me know what some of your November favourites are too! :)

♥

Dance

Hola lovelies!

First off, I would just like to say that I do have 2 other blog posts that I need to upload, one of them being my November Favourites, but the lead for my phone has been playing up so I can't add any pictures and I don't want to post them without the pictures because it won't be as effective if that makes any sense? Anyway I am hoping to upload them very soon!

Anyway, I have decided to write this post in the meantime telling you all about the one thing that makes me truly happy... dancing! I have been taking lessons in Freestyle Disco since I was six years old and do exams twice a year with the National Association Teachers of Dancing (N.A.T.D). My dance school is quite small and there are only two teachers but some of the girls in my class help on a Saturday mornings with all the younger children. We only have lessons once a week for an hour and I really wish that I could do more but as I said before there are only two teachers so there isn't really enough time in the week. 

Some may think this is stupid because of the fact that I only do one hour a week, but honestly, dancing is the one thing that will always make me happy; I can go to dance in a bad mood and I can guarantee that I will always leave feeling better! When I was younger I don't think I appreciated it as much because I was so shy, but now I have made some amazing friends and I look forward to seeing them each week.

One of my favourite things about my dance school is that we put on a massive show at our local performing arts centre every 2 years and it is literally the best thing ever! I am such a shy, introvert with no confidence whatsoever so you would assume that dancing on stage in front of a huge audience would be my worst nightmare but you could not be more wrong. It gives me such an adrenaline rush and I literally get so excited just thinking about it. My old psychology teacher (who used to help me a lot with my anxieties) used to be baffled as to how I could be so shy in the classroom but enjoy dancing on stage so much ha ha.

Me and my friends last year in the dressing room getting ready for the opening number

Today I had my last ever disco exam after doing them for 12 and a half years and I never thought that I would say this but I think I'm going to miss them. When I was six I started on "Juvenile Bronze Award" and now I am nineteen I have just completed my "Senior National Award Two" award. I still remember my first ever exam, and its strange to think about how quickly time has gone by!

I cant remember exactly how old I was here but I was pretty young (with a terrible fringe ha ha)

Photo of me today before the exam

Usually for every exam I go wrong at least once in one of the dances no matter how much I know the routine (I think it's probably mostly nerves), but today I completed all four dances without making a single mistake and I was so proud of myself because it was like I ended on a high! 

Me and my amazing friend and my dance partner, Lucy

I met Lucy just over 3 years ago when I moved into her group and we got a lot closer during the show in 2010. Its so crazy how close we have become and I can't imagine dance without her! We have SO much in common and it's so nice to have a friend that loves dancing as much as me! We are like a crazy double act in lessons and she will always be my dance partner! I don't say this enough but I am so glad I know her and dance definitely would not be the same without her!

ANYWAY I shall finally stop my rambling because I know this might not be of interest to all of you, but dance is a huge part of my life and who I am so I thought I would blog about it. Thanks for reading and please feel free to leave any comments

Me and Lucy wearing our wings for the Summer dance display earlier this year

♥

What's in my (uni) bag?

I bought this bag a year ago from Accessorize for when I started year 13 but when I went to buy a new one for starting university this year, I couldn't really find one that I liked so I'm still using the same one because it's a really good size and has such a cute design. Its in the style of a satchel, it's navy blue and has little beige rabbits on and pink bows. It also has a handle and a long adjustable strap to wear over your shoulders. I can't remember the exact price but I think it was somewhere between £35-40. Its getting a little tatty now but it's in good condition considering I've had it a while!

The next three things in m bag are a little boring. I have a pair of bright pink fluffy gloves because its getting really cold now. I think I bought them from a garden centre a few years back haha. I also have a bright pink umbrella (which is broken so I should really get a new one) which has cute frills on the end. This is from Matalan so I think it was around £4? I also have my pencil case... for obvious reasons. This is from Rymans and it has little china dolls on it.

In my uni bag I also have by 2013-2014 academic calender. This is basically just like a homework diary but they don't give you one at uni unlike school so I bought is from WHSmiths for about £8.99 so I can keep organised. I wasn't going to get it because it seemed really expensive but it was so so pretty so my mum said she would treat me (aww). In a pocket inside my bag I have a compact mirror and hairbrush for emergencies which was from Wilkos, I have my keys and a packet of tissues (because I always seem to have a cold) and I also have a packet of breakfast biscuits (forest fruits flavour) because I am always on the go and rarely have time to eat so this are great for when I'm feeling peckish haha!

My purse is relatively new and also from Accessorize. Its a dark purple and on the inside it has a really pretty floral pattern. What I love about it is the fact that it has lots of pockets for my cards. This was £15. There is also similar ones to this but in different colours.

The last thing in my bag that I'll show you is my little medical kit haha. Its a really cute little bag/purse thing which is again from Accessorize (can you tell that I really love that shop?). I'm not too sure how much it was because it was part of a Christmas present from my Auntie. I think its supposed to be a purse but I thought it was a little big just for change so I put some essentials in there so they are all in one place instead of being at the bottom of my bag. Basically I just keep some paracetamol and hay fever tablets in there, some hand sanitiser, lip balm and baby lips and a Hello Kitty plaster. I also keep some Rescue Remedy spray in there which helps to reduce stress or anxiety. I'm not sure if that stuff actually works but I get stressed quite badly so I'll try anything (to me it just tastes like red wine haha). Just some essential things that you never you might urgently need one day. 

So that's what is in my bag! Obviously I also have notebooks and occasionally a textbook but that stuff is quite boring to show so I thought I'd leave that out haha. Thanks for reading and feel free to leave any comments :)

♥

Anxiety

First of all just to make this clear, I have never been to see a doctor about this, nor do I plan to, so when I say 'anxiety' I don't mean that I have a proper diagnosis, I just mean that I generally just have an anxious/neurotic/introvert personality.

Lately I feel as though my anxiety has and still is stopping me from doing a lot of things and it is really getting me down. Since starting university I have met a lot of new people and made friends but I don't feel as though I am enjoying this new chapter of my life as much as I 'should' be. Throughout sixth form I heard a lot from teachers that university is supposed to be the best years of your life and you make life long friends but so far I feel like that's not really happening. I've met some lovely people but I just haven't really clicked unlike everyone else and I think that anxiety is mostly to blame. All the new friends I've made live in halls and often go out at night to clubs, drinking and they always invite me to go with them. However because I commute this is hard and to be perfectly honest, after being at uni all day the thing I look forward to most is coming home and just relaxing in my bedroom. I really don't like going to clubs because I feel really uncomfortable and self conscious. Also I don't really drink so being surrounded by a lot of drunk teenagers is not really my idea of fun. I really get worried though that my friends think I'm boring or that I don't really socialise much when in reality I love spending time with my friends shopping, or going out for a meal. I just wish that I was more confident so that I could go out with them at night so that I could become closer to them.

Driving is something else that has been on my mind lately. Recently my brother has passed his driving test and can now officially drive a car. So many people are asking me when I'm going to start taking lessons and it's something I really wish I could do because it would be so beneficial for me as getting buses to and from uni every day is getting so tiring. But the thought of driving a car absolutely terrifies me and I just can't bring myself to take lessons. I think the thing I'm most scared about is panicking when I'm in the middle of the road and totally forgetting what I'm supposed to do and I won't be able to get out of the situation which means I'll cause danger to not only my life but everyone around me at that time! I just get so upset at the fact that my fear is stopping me from doing something that I really need to do and nobody really seems to understand why it's so hard for me.

Another question I keep asking myself is "what if I never get in a relationship?". I've never really been that bothered by this until starting university and then all of a sudden my new friends are completely boy obsessed and talk about who they've kissed or even slept with in some cases. I'm so embarrassed by the fact that I have never been in a relationship before (and I'm nearly 19!!) and now I can't ever even imagine myself being in one because the thought scares me. Like, I just can't ever imagine why somebody would ever love me. Of course in the future I want to have a husband and children in a lovely home with my perfect job but I just don't ever see that happening because of my damn anxiety! It's like I've missed that crucial stage in development and now it's too late because I'm so in-experienced.

I'm not too sure what I want to do with my life yet career wise but every time I try and look for potential job ideas I always end up saying to myself "no you can't do that, you're too shy" or "no you're not good enough to do that" which is another thing that is stressing me out. What if I never find a career that I'm going to enjoy? Or what if I waste the next three years trying to get a Psychology degree that I won't even use? I can't live at home forever in my nice pretty pink bedroom. I'm going to have to grow up and face reality!

To cut a very long story short, I just feel very lost right now. After leaving my tiny school I've come to the realisation that I am a very small insignificant person and the world is a very big place! I'm not a little girl any more and the harsh reality of life is absolutely terrifying me. Life is hard enough as it is, but my anxiety seems to be making things 10x harder.

My Birthday Wishlist

Hola lovelies!
So it's my birthday in less than a month (15th November) and I've been making a bit of a wish list on Amazon, so I thought I would share it all with you as I haven't written in a while. Personally I think the Wish list option on Amazon is really good because you can get almost anything on Amazon and it's really cheap. You can also email it it to other people too :)

1. Leotard
First on my Wish list is a new black leotard for dance. I really wanted this particular one because its a camisole with a high back. A lot of leotards I've seen that are camisole have low backs and I don't think you are supposed to wear a bra with them but I would feel really uncomfortable without. The leotard I have found is a Capezio bratek leotard; it has a proper bra fitted into it.

2. Patchwork duvet
As I've said in a previous post I really want to re-do my bedroom so I've seen this beautiful floral patchwork duvet cover. It will match the colours of my bedroom (pink and cream) and it's just really pretty and girly!

3. GLEE

I absolutely LOVE Glee, and I think you could probably say that I'm a "Gleek" haha. I only started watching it at the beginning of this year but I am so glad I did because it is completely addictive and I just love it so I think a Glee boxset would be FAB. AHH I'll shut up about Glee but it is just so amazing haha!

4. Laptop bag
I've recently bought a new laptop for university because my old one broke so I thought a laptop bag would be good because then I can take it to uni with me if I needed too. I really didn't want just a plain black one and I struggled to find a nice pretty one on Amazon, but I quite like this!

This post has very quickly become extremely long so I'll finish it here. There is a few more on my list and I obviously don;t expect them all, its just a few ideas for my family. I'll also use it for Christmas too because that's not too far away now.

Thankyou for reading and feel free to leave comments! Also if you have any of these items on my list please leave your reviews on them because that would be so helpful for me :)

A very tiring Saturday

Well hello there my lovelies! Just a small post about my day...

So I spent most the morning just lazing around and very slowly getting ready for work. The rest of my family had a roast dinner today (they are obsessed so we have them on Saturdays AND Sundays) but I didn't have time because I had to get the bus to work so I just had some roast potatoes and tomato sauce. If you're thinking "why the hell would you have tomato sauce with roast potatoes?!" then I strongly suggest you try it! Sooooo yummy!

I started work at 3pm and it was so busy! I think it was mainly because there are lots of promotions on at the moment. I just felt really poopy because I didn't have any energy and every now and again I'd get a bit of a headache. Luckily I finished at 7pm and my mum and dad picked me up because they both wanted to get some stuff using my staff discount. I also bought this really cute alarm clock for my bedroom. It should have been £8 but it only cost me 60p haha! Basically I had 30% staff discount this weekend (usually it's just 20%) and I also had a £5 gift voucher in my purse which one of my managers gave me a while back as a reward for working hard.

For the past couple of weeks I've really had the urge to redecorate my bedroom. I don't mean like new furniture or repainting it but just changing around the layout a bit, getting rid of junk so there is more space and just getting new things like duvet covers, cushions and fairy lights etc. In the next few days I'm going to post a few pictures of my room (I'll do it when it's a bit tidier haha) so you know what it's like :)

Anyway I said this was only going to be short but I have rambled on a bit. So yeah that was my day, very boring indeed and tomorrow is going to be worst because I'm at work 11-7 (certainly not how Sundays should be spent!). Thankyou all for reading and I welcome all comments :D

♥

A little introduction

Hello Lovelies!

So this is my first post on my new blog and I apologise if this is a bit boring. This is my first time using Blogger so I'm still trying to find my way around. I'm hoping that with time I'll get the hang of it and eventually my blog will look a bit prettier but for now please bare with me :)

I just thought I would do a bit of an introduction to what this blog will be about and who I am. I've been inspired to start this after watching several vlogs on YouTube by people like Zoella and Sprinkle of Glitter. It's something I've always been interested in doing but I've never had the confidence to put up videos of myself so I think here would be a safe place to start. I'm not too sure what theme you would say this blog is going to be because I was planning on just writing about anything that interests me. I suppose it will mainly be focused on Lifestyle, Fashion and Beauty however, that could change. Let's just see where the wind takes us!

A bit about me:

Well as I have previously mentioned my name is Joanna and I am an undergraduate Psychology student. I also work part time as a retail assistant to earn a bit of extra money. I love to dance and I have been taking classes since I was six years old; I take exams in Freestyle Disco with the N.A.T.D. I'm quite shy in person and my lack of confidence often stops me from doing many things which is really rather annoying. I'm not really too sure what else to say about my self apart from I am a massive fan of Demi Lovato, Doctor Who and Glee.

I will be writing more posts hopefully in the next couple of days after my blog is properly set up. Thanks for reading and please feel free to leave comments!

♥