Dance

Hola lovelies!

First off, I would just like to say that I do have 2 other blog posts that I need to upload, one of them being my November Favourites, but the lead for my phone has been playing up so I can't add any pictures and I don't want to post them without the pictures because it won't be as effective if that makes any sense? Anyway I am hoping to upload them very soon!

Anyway, I have decided to write this post in the meantime telling you all about the one thing that makes me truly happy... dancing! I have been taking lessons in Freestyle Disco since I was six years old and do exams twice a year with the National Association Teachers of Dancing (N.A.T.D). My dance school is quite small and there are only two teachers but some of the girls in my class help on a Saturday mornings with all the younger children. We only have lessons once a week for an hour and I really wish that I could do more but as I said before there are only two teachers so there isn't really enough time in the week. 

Some may think this is stupid because of the fact that I only do one hour a week, but honestly, dancing is the one thing that will always make me happy; I can go to dance in a bad mood and I can guarantee that I will always leave feeling better! When I was younger I don't think I appreciated it as much because I was so shy, but now I have made some amazing friends and I look forward to seeing them each week.

One of my favourite things about my dance school is that we put on a massive show at our local performing arts centre every 2 years and it is literally the best thing ever! I am such a shy, introvert with no confidence whatsoever so you would assume that dancing on stage in front of a huge audience would be my worst nightmare but you could not be more wrong. It gives me such an adrenaline rush and I literally get so excited just thinking about it. My old psychology teacher (who used to help me a lot with my anxieties) used to be baffled as to how I could be so shy in the classroom but enjoy dancing on stage so much ha ha.

Me and my friends last year in the dressing room getting ready for the opening number

Today I had my last ever disco exam after doing them for 12 and a half years and I never thought that I would say this but I think I'm going to miss them. When I was six I started on "Juvenile Bronze Award" and now I am nineteen I have just completed my "Senior National Award Two" award. I still remember my first ever exam, and its strange to think about how quickly time has gone by!

I cant remember exactly how old I was here but I was pretty young (with a terrible fringe ha ha)

Photo of me today before the exam

Usually for every exam I go wrong at least once in one of the dances no matter how much I know the routine (I think it's probably mostly nerves), but today I completed all four dances without making a single mistake and I was so proud of myself because it was like I ended on a high! 

Me and my amazing friend and my dance partner, Lucy

I met Lucy just over 3 years ago when I moved into her group and we got a lot closer during the show in 2010. Its so crazy how close we have become and I can't imagine dance without her! We have SO much in common and it's so nice to have a friend that loves dancing as much as me! We are like a crazy double act in lessons and she will always be my dance partner! I don't say this enough but I am so glad I know her and dance definitely would not be the same without her!

ANYWAY I shall finally stop my rambling because I know this might not be of interest to all of you, but dance is a huge part of my life and who I am so I thought I would blog about it. Thanks for reading and please feel free to leave any comments

Me and Lucy wearing our wings for the Summer dance display earlier this year

♥

What's in my (uni) bag?

I bought this bag a year ago from Accessorize for when I started year 13 but when I went to buy a new one for starting university this year, I couldn't really find one that I liked so I'm still using the same one because it's a really good size and has such a cute design. Its in the style of a satchel, it's navy blue and has little beige rabbits on and pink bows. It also has a handle and a long adjustable strap to wear over your shoulders. I can't remember the exact price but I think it was somewhere between £35-40. Its getting a little tatty now but it's in good condition considering I've had it a while!

The next three things in m bag are a little boring. I have a pair of bright pink fluffy gloves because its getting really cold now. I think I bought them from a garden centre a few years back haha. I also have a bright pink umbrella (which is broken so I should really get a new one) which has cute frills on the end. This is from Matalan so I think it was around £4? I also have my pencil case... for obvious reasons. This is from Rymans and it has little china dolls on it.

In my uni bag I also have by 2013-2014 academic calender. This is basically just like a homework diary but they don't give you one at uni unlike school so I bought is from WHSmiths for about £8.99 so I can keep organised. I wasn't going to get it because it seemed really expensive but it was so so pretty so my mum said she would treat me (aww). In a pocket inside my bag I have a compact mirror and hairbrush for emergencies which was from Wilkos, I have my keys and a packet of tissues (because I always seem to have a cold) and I also have a packet of breakfast biscuits (forest fruits flavour) because I am always on the go and rarely have time to eat so this are great for when I'm feeling peckish haha!

My purse is relatively new and also from Accessorize. Its a dark purple and on the inside it has a really pretty floral pattern. What I love about it is the fact that it has lots of pockets for my cards. This was £15. There is also similar ones to this but in different colours.

The last thing in my bag that I'll show you is my little medical kit haha. Its a really cute little bag/purse thing which is again from Accessorize (can you tell that I really love that shop?). I'm not too sure how much it was because it was part of a Christmas present from my Auntie. I think its supposed to be a purse but I thought it was a little big just for change so I put some essentials in there so they are all in one place instead of being at the bottom of my bag. Basically I just keep some paracetamol and hay fever tablets in there, some hand sanitiser, lip balm and baby lips and a Hello Kitty plaster. I also keep some Rescue Remedy spray in there which helps to reduce stress or anxiety. I'm not sure if that stuff actually works but I get stressed quite badly so I'll try anything (to me it just tastes like red wine haha). Just some essential things that you never you might urgently need one day. 

So that's what is in my bag! Obviously I also have notebooks and occasionally a textbook but that stuff is quite boring to show so I thought I'd leave that out haha. Thanks for reading and feel free to leave any comments :)

♥

Anxiety

First of all just to make this clear, I have never been to see a doctor about this, nor do I plan to, so when I say 'anxiety' I don't mean that I have a proper diagnosis, I just mean that I generally just have an anxious/neurotic/introvert personality.

Lately I feel as though my anxiety has and still is stopping me from doing a lot of things and it is really getting me down. Since starting university I have met a lot of new people and made friends but I don't feel as though I am enjoying this new chapter of my life as much as I 'should' be. Throughout sixth form I heard a lot from teachers that university is supposed to be the best years of your life and you make life long friends but so far I feel like that's not really happening. I've met some lovely people but I just haven't really clicked unlike everyone else and I think that anxiety is mostly to blame. All the new friends I've made live in halls and often go out at night to clubs, drinking and they always invite me to go with them. However because I commute this is hard and to be perfectly honest, after being at uni all day the thing I look forward to most is coming home and just relaxing in my bedroom. I really don't like going to clubs because I feel really uncomfortable and self conscious. Also I don't really drink so being surrounded by a lot of drunk teenagers is not really my idea of fun. I really get worried though that my friends think I'm boring or that I don't really socialise much when in reality I love spending time with my friends shopping, or going out for a meal. I just wish that I was more confident so that I could go out with them at night so that I could become closer to them.

Driving is something else that has been on my mind lately. Recently my brother has passed his driving test and can now officially drive a car. So many people are asking me when I'm going to start taking lessons and it's something I really wish I could do because it would be so beneficial for me as getting buses to and from uni every day is getting so tiring. But the thought of driving a car absolutely terrifies me and I just can't bring myself to take lessons. I think the thing I'm most scared about is panicking when I'm in the middle of the road and totally forgetting what I'm supposed to do and I won't be able to get out of the situation which means I'll cause danger to not only my life but everyone around me at that time! I just get so upset at the fact that my fear is stopping me from doing something that I really need to do and nobody really seems to understand why it's so hard for me.

Another question I keep asking myself is "what if I never get in a relationship?". I've never really been that bothered by this until starting university and then all of a sudden my new friends are completely boy obsessed and talk about who they've kissed or even slept with in some cases. I'm so embarrassed by the fact that I have never been in a relationship before (and I'm nearly 19!!) and now I can't ever even imagine myself being in one because the thought scares me. Like, I just can't ever imagine why somebody would ever love me. Of course in the future I want to have a husband and children in a lovely home with my perfect job but I just don't ever see that happening because of my damn anxiety! It's like I've missed that crucial stage in development and now it's too late because I'm so in-experienced.

I'm not too sure what I want to do with my life yet career wise but every time I try and look for potential job ideas I always end up saying to myself "no you can't do that, you're too shy" or "no you're not good enough to do that" which is another thing that is stressing me out. What if I never find a career that I'm going to enjoy? Or what if I waste the next three years trying to get a Psychology degree that I won't even use? I can't live at home forever in my nice pretty pink bedroom. I'm going to have to grow up and face reality!

To cut a very long story short, I just feel very lost right now. After leaving my tiny school I've come to the realisation that I am a very small insignificant person and the world is a very big place! I'm not a little girl any more and the harsh reality of life is absolutely terrifying me. Life is hard enough as it is, but my anxiety seems to be making things 10x harder.